take your kids to work day was LAST week

DEAR COWORKERS,

LEAVE YOUR BABIES AT HOME.  PLEASE.  FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.  THE NOISES THAT COME OUT OF A WOMAN'S MOUTH WHEN BABIES ARE AROUND ARE NOT NATURAL.  

SHUDDER.

love,

the notorious wfb.

no, really. I DONT CARE!

Dear Bone,

Just because we sit next to each other, doesn't mean we need to be friends.  I sincerely regret the day that I laughed at one of your jokes out of pity.  I have a few things that I've been meaning to tell you:

1.  PLEASE stop popping your head over my wall and staring at me until I accidentally make eye contact with you so you can tell me a horribly boring and pointless story.  

2.  If you go to the gym during lunch TAKE A GD SHOWER!  And if you don't, do NOT lean over the cube wall.  When you do, I stop listening to you and focus on the sweat on your forehead and say prayers that the beads will not pick up speed and drip on my desk.

3.  I don't care that your friends think you're funny.  I don't.  And I'm pretty sure they don't either.

4.  I hate your Dilbert comics.

5.  Calling me over to your desk to read the racist/sexist/horribly offensive email that your "buddy" just sent you instead of actually forwarding it to me does NOT make it less offensive.

6.  Just because I like sports does not mean that I watch every single game.  Stop assuming I do.

  

7.  Please learn my "you're not funny, but I'm fake laughing in hopes that you'll go away" laugh.  Everyone else knows it.  Seriously, get on that.

8.  Jojus Christ and I keep a personal timecard for you.  It's on Google Docs and we enter in when you come to work, what time you leave, how long your lunch was, and your excuse for leaving 2 hours early.  According to this document you should seriously consider putting your children down.  They get sick at least once a week.  Sick enough for you to leave work early.  

9.  Sighing loudly after getting off the phone will NEVER make me ask you what's wrong.  If you have something to say, SAY IT.  I can't promise that I'll care, but it will be much less pathetic than you going out of your way to say or do something in an attempt to get my attention.

I feel much better.  Thank you for listening to my complaints about you, as a person.

love,

the notorious wfb.

no entry necessary

jojus christ, joses

dear joj (see jojus christ and joses below),

thank you so much for the beautiful (and thoughtful!) gift you left on my desk today.  the lord clearly works in powerful ways.  i can't think of anything that would make me more fully appreciate the word of God than a pair of chocolate prayer hands.  coming from the great jojus christ/joses your kind religious gift has truly touched me.  truly.  in the belly region. 

    

word to God, praise the lord, godspeed.

the notorious wfb.

airport fun

dear lady sitting right in front of me waiting to board the plane,

it has come to my attention that you have NO idea how loud you are singing, how difficult it is for me not to laugh really loudly and how hard im staring at you. you and your mom jeans and keds sure know how to jam. GIG. im glad to see that your lacking singing skills dont get you down.

keep rocking.

love,

the notorious wfb.

ps. if i sit next to you can we share headphones and do a duet? KEWL!

and it begins.

dear rita,

you are such an inspiration.  if i ever meet you, imma kiss you.  

after an emotionally draining week the last thing i wanted to do last night was  go to my "butts and guts" class and get my ass kicked by my slightly overweight instructor while 15 50+ year old  students watched.  and plus, i don't have to be in a bikini for at least another month, so who really cares anyway?  but as i sat down on my couch ready to enjoy the lull of the boob tube i started craving your sweet deliciousness.  let the mental struggle begin:  i already wasn't going to work out so there was no way i could possibly justify eating a small watermelon gelati with vanilla custard.  then it hit me.  i had driven past your glorious red and white barber shop striped sign on my way to class several times before.  

ok... so to be honest, i've only been to this class once.  but if you've ever been to rita's im sure you too can list off the ten closest locations to your house.  no?  whatever, moving on.

i could practically taste the perfect combination of watermelon slush and thick, creamy, vanilla custard in my mouth and with my newfound energy quickly changed into my workout attire and busted ass to get to class at least relatively on time.  

during the class i found muscles in my legs that were not meant to be used, ever.  i held a 15lb bar and stood on one foot while bending over and touching the bar to the floor.  i layed on the filthy floor with a massive exercise ball held with my left foot on the bottom and the right foot on top, lifted up to the ceiling and then (while holding the ball in the air with my feet, mind you) slid my left foot to the bottom and my right foot to the top, simultaneously, before lowering the ball to the floor and repeating 20 times.  (btw, if you want the best ab workout ever, do that one.  im pretty sure it gave me a hernia, but once i lose the 10 lbs of fat OVER my abs i feel confident that i'll have INSANE abs underneath.  or it may just be the potential hernia talking, but probably not.)  rita, i did this all for you.  i suffered for at least 47.5 minutes of the 50 minute class but as i hobbled to my car the pain quickly disappeared as i began thinking about the gelati i was about to enjoy.

approximately 7 minutes later i ordered my small watermelon gelati with vanilla custard from kimmy gibbler (i'm pretty sure that's who it was) and sat on the curb next to my car with a face red enough to warrant a 10 on the 1-10 kathive scale and i ate my gelati.

today i'm sore.  like.  REALLY sore.  and the only person i have to thank is you.  so, thanks rita, for getting me off my fat ass.  i look forward to seeing you next week.  same day, same time.

love,

the notorious wfb.